Lessons for surviving the Trump presidency I learned from actual horror movies
If you want to watch a horror movie for free, simply head no further than Twitter.com or check your Washington Postnotifications right before you try to go to sleep.
The line between the horror genre and the American political system has become increasingly faint in the past few weeks/months/years? since Donald Trump was elected president. Every morning brings a fresh wave of scandals so traumatizing it makes getting out of bed or talking to your friends about anything besides the upcoming nuclear holocaust next to completely impossible.
But like all horror movies, people have got to find a way to safety.
SEE ALSO:What to do when you're so overwhelmed by the Trump presidency you can barely moveBelow is a list of strategies, adopted from actual horror movie conventions, that people can use to help them survive Trump's remaining time in office. Obviously, these tips won't help people whose lives are immediately threatened by a Trump administration. But they can provide some guidance to people who want to be able to to sleep at night without dreaming of Steve Bannon in shorts.
1. Just when you think the bad guy is gone for good, he comes back. Again and again, each time a little bit fuglier.
Via GiphyKillers in horror movies must do a lot of yoga. Even with their bullet-riddled bodies, they'll still rise from the dead to assault a new victim.
When someone tells you that, "THIS is the scandal that will take down Donald Trump," hold your breath. Remember when he bragged about sexually assaulting women and then 65 million Americans voted him in as leader of the free world?
He's BAAAAAAAACK.
2. Never split up and try to fight the killer alone.
Via GiphyAt some point in every horror movie, some ding-dong will come up with the brilliant idea of having everyone "split up" to peacefully locate the man who wants to kill them all.
This is a terrible idea. So is seceding from a political party that doesn't give you everything you want it like it's Christmas, and writing in someone like "Deez Nuts" or "Susan Sarandon" on the ballot. Solidarity is critical if people have any hope in taking down their common enemy, which is not Pantsuit Nation but Trump.
3. If you feel like there's a secret evil lurking inside a big (white) house, you're right.
Via GiphyNever minimize. A house full of ghosts and a White House full of white nationalists are both profoundly dangerous. Don't let anyone tell you that "he's just a harmless janitor" or "Reince Priebus will be a moderating influence" when that's never going to be the case.
4. Don't let anyone tell you that there's "nothing to be scared about."
"I tell the President everything Mother whispers in my ear." Stephen Miller.@KeithOlbermann pic.twitter.com/rdBCX6OZIK
— BumTrumpet (@TheBumTrumpet) March 4, 2017
Sorry, but serial killers and a man who identifies as a Darth Vader-Satan hybrid should both give us considerable pause. It's completely normal to spend every day of your life in constant, low level fear.
5. Never watch a horror movie when you're living in one.
Via GiphyYou know what happens when people in horror movies watch horror movies? They die.
You know what happens when people in a political horror show constantly watch a political horror show? They feel sad. All the time.
Watch something else. Something that includes Meg Ryan.
6. Know that wherever you go, they're probably watching.
Via GiphyPeople in horror movies think that they can escape the killer by locking themselves in dark, locked basement. This is dumb.
Forget privacy. It's far easier than you think for the federal government to collect your personal data. Now's a good time to try and keep some of your text messages encrypted through apps like Signal.
7. Remember: the bad guy is often "the nice guy" with a hidden rage problem.
Via GiphyYou can't trust anyone in this movie/life, except Auntie Maxine Waters.
8. Realize that there's a good chance there's an even worse sequel.
Just when you think a terrible movie/presidency is about to end, people somehow request a sequel/another four ars. Of course, the original was miserable and everyone in the MSM gave it horrible reviews, but there are plenty of fans out there on Reddit who -- despite logic -- want more, more, more.
9. If you trip, grab your broken ankle and keep going
Via GiphyYou did everything you possibly could to escape from the bad guy/destroy Betsy DeVos and it didn't work. You want to give up and collapse in the snow, or stay in your house with all the shades drawn, watching Law and Orderuntil you get old and die.
As much as you want to, you can't. It's just not possible. If you have any hope of making it out of this story, you've got to run from it, and find help wherever you can.
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